Military Financial Independence

Book review: You’re On Your Own

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Doug Nordman

In our house, books have been an essential parenting tool. I must have read a six-foot stack of them just to try to find a clue our way through all the stages from pregnancy to college applications. Some are the type of books that you leave on the familyroom table (or in the kid’s bathroom) for them to discover on their own. They think they’re sneaking around with something provocative or juicy while they’re actually learning from your covert curriculum. During school, the books from our teen’s literature classes started many challenging dinner table discussions about essay homework difficult choices or history or other cultures. Now that she’s in college I’ve thoroughly enjoyed her engineering and NROTC texts, and they’ve been a great springboard for more discussions about careers and leadership.

But some books you display prominently on your own reading stack right by the front door, where everyone can see them, just to make your kids worry about what you’re learning. “You’re On Your Own (but I’m here if you need me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years” is solidly in that category. Whether you read it or not is irrelevant– it has a high shock value just for starting the dialogue.

It was published in 2003, but it’s aged surprisingly well and was updated in 2009. Author Marjorie Savage wrote it from her own sea stories experiences as director of the Parent Program at a large university. (Yes, the parents got so bad that the college felt obligated to tackle their educational burdens too.) She’s one of the first people on campus to get the phone calls from the parents who are irate, upset, or just concerned. She also figured out how to parent two of her own through college, and they’re now successful young adults.

Buried in the middle of the book is a powerful analogy: Imagine that you’re hosting an exchange student at your house for a semester. They’re from a completely foreign culture in Africa or Asia. They wear strange clothes, have a nose ring and tattoos, and maintain an unusual hairstyle. They eat wildly different foods that you’d never considered keeping in the house, let alone eating. They speak English but use a different vocabulary. They share the same basic human values as you but have totally different opinions on music, fashion, life, work, entertainment, living standards, and relationships.

As a host, you’d love spending your time getting to know this person. They might be fascinating or mildly repellent, but you’d be interested in them. You’d like to share their world. You’d want to understand their culture, their background, and their lifestyle. The experience would be unforgettable, and you’d be eager to repeat it with another exchange student.

Now imagine that the exchange student was actually your 18-year-old daughter who’s just finished her first semester in college. A paragraph ago you thought that this exchange student was “fascinating” and someone you wanted to get to know better. Now that she’s actually your offspring, suddenly there’s a problem?

By the way, that analogy is in the chapter titled “You Pierced WHAT?!?”

The book not only explains what stresses and challenges await your “child”, but explains what similar challenges are awaiting YOU. College teens are completing the process of establishing their own identity (which they started years ago at home), yet some parents mistake it for a rejection of family values or a challenge to their college-funding authority. College students lose a lot of home support that they might still need– no one leaves notes on the fridge or nags them about their homework. However, they also finally have to force themselves to internalize the skills you’ve tried to teach them for their entire lives. If they’re not returning your calls or your texts, it’s because they’re busy carrying out their own daily routine and they’re not “out of school” yet. By the time they’re finally “done” with the day and ready to handle a parental chat, much to their surprise it’s 11 PM. (Don’t worry, they’ll get right back to you when they need want money.) If they get home and promptly hibernate for a week, it’s because semester exams were a huge stress with almost zero rest. They’re not ignoring the family or avoiding a problem– they’re recharging their energy in a place where they feel safe and loved. You may want to hear all about their new life (and maybe vicariously enjoy a few thrills of your own), but your progeny won’t appreciate the interrogation… and might even feel it’s a personal attack.

Just in case some educational skills didn’t get covered during high school, Ms. Savage explains the college version. She goes into great detail about a spending plan for the first year in the dorm, including entertainment and transportation. She covers off-campus expenses and explains why commuters have similar financial demands even when they’re living at home. She shows why sex, drugs, and rock&roll alcohol can trip up even the most committed DARE graduate and how college is a “social sandbox” to figure out how to deal with these issues as an adult. (The college may actually be more aware of these issues than the average high school, and with better support staff.) She even discusses all the issues with living off-campus or spending the semester abroad.

Parents feel tempted to solve problems by remote control, and to step in when the authorities seem unsympathetic or negligent. But just like workplace politics, now that their student is in college they (and the parent) may be getting only one side of a nuanced situation. Your teen may be calling or e-mailing you to complain, and there may be a real problem. However, they’re not coming to you for help as much as for support (and maybe some sympathy). They’ll find their own campus support (either in the dorm or in the academic department) and they’ll take charge of solving their own problems. But they still want to share this strange new world with you and maybe get a little translation help. They don’t necessarily want to be guided through it, let alone be pulled out of it.

The best parts of the book are the chapter summaries. She offers tips for both the parents and the teen (because she knows they’re sneaking a read too). She gives the parents role-playing scripts (which the teens also appreciate) and shows how to tell the difference between a complaint and a crisis. Most of all, she shows you how to make your own difficult transition from “parent” to “coach” and even “mentor”. You have to learn to upgrade from “child” to “house guest” and even (if they’re commuting to campus) an “adult boarder”.

After three semesters I finally understand the complex structure and interactions among residential assistants, residents, masters, associates, sponsors, advisers, teaching assistants, peer tutors, campus tutors, administrators, professors, and… deans. Your child has joined a new society, you’re “just” a parent now, and you’ll probably never talk to any of these people. However, you can ask your young adult about them, and as your student is explaining the bureaucracy then they’ll think through their own problems.

The back of the book has a four-year college calendar that answers a lot of your questions before your student even discovers them. She lays out the top three issues for each year and explains how you can offer support without interference or criticism.

Here’s one more idea that’s not explicitly covered in the book: If your child is even mildly curious about the military, the first year of college ROTC is free: no obligation. The tuition scholarship is a good deal all by itself (students still pay room & board) but the best benefit is the structure and support given by the unit. Not only does it offer a freshman a study group (perhaps mandatory) and a workout program (definitely mandatory!), but it also helps remove a tremendous amount of peer pressure. Roommates quiet down by midnight because Joe has ROTC drill at 5 AM. Friends take their beer & pot elsewhere because Jenny’s not supposed to use drugs or drink underage. Meanwhile the ROTC unit provides a ready-made source of friends and peer mentors, helps with class schedules (to avoid ROTC conflicts), and advises about majors. ROTC certainly isn’t for everybody, but it’s actually a big help for someone who’s already curious about the military. If your teen wants to drop it before sophomore year then there are no commitments– and no pressure to stay in the program. Oddly enough, one reason our young adult has stayed with ROTC is because she knows she has a job waiting for her after graduation. She’s eliminated a huge looming pressure that burdens all college juniors & seniors.

Don’t get me wrong: 30 years ago, the U.S. Naval Academy was a prison exactly the type of rigorous, highly structured environment that I needed to bolster my lack of maturity & discipline. The tuition & fees were quite affordable (although I paid a high personal price). However, a college ROTC program offers the same structure & support with a much more fulfilling and maturing college environment. I may have needed USNA, but our daughter is enjoying the type of college that I really wanted to attend. Unlike me at her age, she seems to be smart enough and organized enough to make it happen.

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Book review: Leaving the military for “The Corner Office”

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Doug Nordman

Today’s review was suggested by our daughter, who’s discovered an unusual book about civilian leadership. Stick with me for another 1500 words before I explain how it also applies to the military. It’s a great morale-enhancing read when you’re in uniform, not just out of it.

This year she’s deep into college leadership & ethics classes in both NROTC and her civil-engineering major. “The Corner Office” is one of their texts, written by the author of the New York Times “Corner Office” column. It was published in April 2011 so it’s still making its way into public libraries, but the NYT’s interviews give you a feel for the text.

Adam Bryant interviewed over 70 CEOs on how they run their companies. I’m cynical about executive entitlement, so at first I thought I’d count how many of them have been fired since he went to press. However, I was pleasantly surprised by their advice– both successful and “not so much”. I learned what drives a leader (it’s not the money or the power), how to find the new ones (they might seek you out), and how to become one (both on active duty and as a veteran). Bryant’s not really interested in writing about their company’s stock price or how they’re executing on their competitors. Instead he asks the CEOs what they’ve learned and how they lead. He wants to know how they handle common tasks like managing their time, running meetings, and exchanging feedback. He consulted another famous business author for open-ended questions that would intrigue his subjects and keep them babbling talking.

Bryant breaks the book down into three sections for the headers below:

Succeeding

Interestingly, climbing to the corner office doesn’t develop the skills to keep you there. However, it gives an insight into the type of person who’s likely to make the climb: intensely curious, bright with a good memory, and able to work well with a team. They’re also confident and almost fearless at trying new ideas– perhaps even when they shouldn’t. However, their experiences taught them to “fail quickly”, extract the lessons, and turn their problems into successes. They become known for bringing order (and new opportunities) out of chaos.

CEOs are expected to project a public impression of calm confidence and authority. In private they’re anything but that– they’re enthusiastic about their business but they’re also passionately curious about every aspect of them. They’re not the smartest people in the meeting, but they’re the best students: able to quickly grasp the important aspects of a topic, relentlessly question the assumptions and conclusions, and integrate the task at hand with the big picture. They’re constantly alert, engaged, and trying to make sense of their world. They’ve learned to make failure part of the process of succeeding.

CEO personalities can be extremely annoying to their co-workers and their executive staffs… unless the CEOs have surrounded themselves with staff who are also passionately curious. People who are only there for a paycheck will soon find somewhere else to work– either in another part of the company or out of it. The next generation of executive candidates want more: they’re also passionately curious about their work, and they’re looking for bosses who can help them do what they love. This environment feeds the leadership into a cycle of success and becomes a breeding ground for new leaders.

I don’t know about you guys, but for the first 14 years of my military career I was consumed with passionate curiosity and looking for role models.

Managing

Once they’ve arrived, though, new CEOs find themselves having to change the way they like to work. For many of them, the biggest surprise was their new responsibility– and accountability. The decisions were all theirs, under very public scrutiny, and they missed the comforting “backup” that they had enjoyed at their lower ranks. As CEOs, even their smallest expressions or behaviors were parsed by the rest of the company (and the media) to figure out how business was going or what was next. CEOs found it very distracting (and somewhat unpleasant) at first, but soon adapted and grew into the new role. They had to adapt or they wouldn’t be CEO for very long, let alone interviewed by NYT authors.

That led these CEOs to a new issue: doubt. Now that they were at the top, they were expected to be confident and inspiring while serenely leading their troops through the fray without stumbling. Of course their personal reality was completely different: a lack of confidence, perpetual self-questioning, wondering whether they really had what it would take. They felt tremendous stress over the responsibility of taking care of all the people who depended on the company for their jobs and even their lives. Worst of all, they didn’t feel as if they had anyone to share that stress with. Instead they had to find a new mentor or coach (perhaps a former boss or a spouse) who could help them turn their new problems into a crucible for developing their new skills. The best CEOs never stopped questioning their own confidence, staying humble while trying to keep alert for signs of hubris.

Their next challenge was time management. They couldn’t dive as deeply into projects as they used to, and sometimes they couldn’t even dive into them at all– that was their staff’s job now. Instead the CEOs had to learn how to focus on the “critical tasks”of getting to know the company, finding out what’s really going on outside of their executive HQ, running meetings, coaching their employees, and finding new leaders. They also had to figure out not just “what” decisions to make, but “when”: whether they knew enough to take action, or had time to learn more, or had the necessary resources. Many quickly learned to stay out of the office, handle meetings efficiently with just three or four major items, seek feedback, and encourage dissenting opinions. Unfortunately they also learned to be very productive in airports and on airplanes.

Again, I don’t know about you guys, but I really enjoyed being a watch officer with my hands on the periscope. When I had to turn that periscope over to a bunch of other guys to have all the fun while I was managing a bigger team, my own “fun” began to dwindle…

Leading

The hardest CEO task is explaining the message. Everybody should know how to do their jobs, but how will they apply their skills? That’s your communications challenge. Are you trying to take the war to the enemy with aggressive patrols, are you sitting back and exploiting the enemy’s mistakes, or are you just trying to protect the local population while their own leaders deal with the problem?

CEOs say over and over that they have to stick to a simple message, repeat it endlessly, and be patient when people don’t get it (or don’t believe it). Even worse, the CEO is always “on”: everyone is parsing their facial expressions, their body language, and their appearance. Do they have their “mad face” on today? Do they seem worn out? How are they reacting to the layoff rumors? Sell! No wait, buy!!

CEOs tend to be “Type A” people– driven taskmasters who don’t need much sleep. Yet when they reached the corner office they’d discover that they had to lighten up, back off a little, and let their people do their work without the boss hovering over their shoulder. A few ill-timed queries from the CEO would have everyone rushing about to implement the “new guidance from above”, when all the boss really wanted to do was immerse themselves in a fascinating subject.

Another CEO issue: not only do they not get to do favorite job anymore, but being a “leader” means that they have to let junior guys make their own stupid mistakes. The CEO has to let their young whippersnappers find their own way– and maybe even come up with a better idea. One thoughtless comment from a CEO can derail an entire proposal. They have to learn to keep their mouths shut while others are talking, and let the rest of the group work through the ideas without their advice. But then they can ask open-ended questions that encourage investigation and experimentation.

CEOs learned that leadership frequently meant just clearing a path for their troops. Once they pointed out the big picture and provided the resources, they had to step back and let someone else have all the fun of doing the actual work. They might not even be able to step in with “helpful suggestions” for fear of blunting initiative & morale.

It was no fun giving up the watch-officer jobs and the periscope, but it was tremendously rewarding to watch my shipmates work through their own challenges and go on to bigger things. Decades later I’m still vicariously enjoying their successes.

How does “The Corner Office” apply to servicemembers and veterans?

Next month marks my 10^th anniversary of hanging up my uniform. During the 24 years before that I was constantly reminded that I’d never had a “real” job, and that I’d better be ready to start all over again if I wanted to succeed in the civilian world.

Yet reading “The Corner Office” (especially from the perspective of over three decades without a real job of leadership experience) is a pleasant reminder of how clearly these highly successful CEOs are depending on the same skills that we military found in our first leadership training class.

Whenever we leave the military, whether it’s after four years or 30, we don’t have to “start all over again”. We can take our leadership skills, our military experience, and our personal discipline with us. Just as we did at all of our previous commands, we’ll use those tools again while we get our bearings at our new “duty station”. Whether it leads to the corner office or not, most veterans soon discover that they had far more responsibility in the military at a far younger age than their civilian counterparts. It’s a small step from there to start scampering up the corporate ladder.

By the way, if you’re financially independent when you leave the military then you have the luxury of creating your own “duty station”. Today, my personal corner office has a 270-degree view with a fourteen-foot ceiling… and a longboard rack. Before you start your own career climb, make sure you’re building a solid financial foundation.

So what did my daughter glean from the book? Here are her words:

I learned that the best of the best didn’t become so on their own. They asked others for help, and helped others in return; both scenarios taught them more about their business and their work. Together, the scenarios are called “teamwork”; I value teamwork and an office environment that revolves around it. I hate separating cubicle walls, and would rather have a large, open floor filled with all of our desks and drawing boards; a space where we can design and research projects together, bounce ideas off each other, and check each other’s work and help each other improve. While aboard cramped and isolating submarines I worked in a fun environment because I trained and worked right next to my sailors. Rarely did I have to work by myself; when I did I was least efficient and too unoriginal. I value all input; often a group comes up with better ideas than an individual.

I think she’s going to enjoy her own passionate curiosity as long as she can, whether or not it leads to a corner office.

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Geriatric financial lessons learned

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Doug Nordman

[Note: Dad passed away on 18 November 2017 from end-stage Alzheimer’s. This post is about my experiences with his care.]

I’m finally my Dad’s conservator.

Dec 2009: Dad standing at the visitor center at Colorado's National Monument Park, looking down a canyon.

Dad’s favorite hike at Colorado’s National Monument Park

For first-time readers, let’s back up a bit on why this was necessary. Dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed to mid-stage and we didn’t have power of attorney. He lived independently as long as he could, but he didn’t have any safety nets in place because (as is common among elders) he wanted to stay in control.

Up to a point, Dad’s finances could have been handled with a power of attorney. However, that has two flaws: (1) a POA can be canceled anytime by its grantor, leaving elders vulnerable to manipulation & fraud, and (2) POAs can’t be executed if the grantor is considered incompetent— lawyers and notaries just won’t do the paperwork. Even worse (from the family’s perspective) most financial institutions require POAs on their own forms (more notaries). When a POA is no longer an option, the next step is a conservator.

In most states, a probate court appoints a conservator from the protected person’s nomination (family/friend) or chooses a contractor. Most probate courts require periodic reports and some may even require the conservator to get the court’s permission before spending any money. The protected person becomes a ward of the court and the conservator is just doing the court’s financial business for their ward.

If my father or I had been more astute about POAs and declining cognition, we would have executed one when he began showing symptoms. Dad didn’t want to “give up control yet” and at the time I saw no way around that obstacle. Today I know that he should have had a lawyer prepare a POA while he was still competent. Dad could have had it notarized and kept it in his personal files, ready to hand over to us adult children when the time came. You can’t easily notarize a POA from the hospital’s ICU when the grantor is clearly suffering from dementia.

Dad’s independence ended when he went to the emergency room in March 2011 with a perforated ulcer. Two weeks later he moved to his care facility, and my brother and I started the legal petitions for conservatorship and guardianship. Many states will allow their residents to do this without a lawyer, and advocacy groups offer free help, but it’s difficult. Most adult children have their own families and careers and don’t have the time or knowledge to pursue this seemingly insurmountable task. (Another reason that I’m thankful for financial independence. Even from three time zones away, some weeks I was still spending 10-15 hours on Dad’s affairs.) In our case we hired a geriatric care manager who recommended a lawyer.

Petitions are considered low-margin legal work, even at $275/hour. They’re also not particularly urgent (unless the elder is clearly in danger) and the courts are frequently backed up with higher-priority cases. I’m told that this situation means a conservator petition usually drops to the bottom of a lawyer’s To-Do list.

“Our” lawyer didn’t even contact Dad until three months after we’d hired her. (Cynically, I suspect that she only got moving when my brother decided to find a new lawyer.) She thought Dad was competent to sign a POA but after talking with him for an hour she realized that he was not. It took her another two months to find a psychologist to do an in-depth three-hour functional assessment interview. Once that report was ready the lawyer was repeatedly afflicted with illness, computer problems, a new probate court judge, outdated forms on the court’s website, and a number of other excuses obstacles. The petition was finally filed in November.

In Colorado, the petition only starts the investigation. Petitioners have to provide a criminal records check, a credit check, and photo IDs. The court appoints a “visitor” to interview everyone. Even if the petition is unopposed, the process can become adversarial. The visitor asks the protected person whether they’d like their own lawyer, which Dad decided was “a good idea”. The visitor specifically asked me why my father had nominated me and why I thought I was qualified to be a conservator. (He asked everyone else those questions about me too. Court visitors must hear a lot of scary answers.) Since I’m not a Colorado resident I had to sign an extradition waiver (in case of my misconduct) and I even had to apply for approval to “appear” at the hearing by telephone conference instead of in person. Although the petition was unopposed, “luckily” I wasn’t required to post a bond or to set up a spending account with the court.

The visitor filed his report and the hearing was scheduled for 19 December.

After conservators are appointed by the probate court, they have to file an initial report of the protected person’s finances. I’d already drafted one from the court’s forms and I’d submitted it to our lawyer in October. Wednesday night before the Monday hearing, however, I received one of her typical e-mails:

I have reviewed your draft Conservator’s Inventory and Financial Plan, as has your dad’s attorney. We agree that you need to make some additions to page 6 – 7, Item D. Under professional expenses and legal fees, enter $0 for guardian, conservator and guardian ad litem. Under Protected Person’s attorney’s fees, state $0 monthly, $500 – $1,000 (estimate) total under Annual. For Petitioner’s attorney’s fees, state $0 monthly, $3,000 (estimate) total under Annual. State $0 for care manager and CPA unless you plan to use someone. State $0 for other categories. Enter totals in Part V, Section B.
Then, please sign and fill in the Certificate of Service. Although you’re filling in this section, I will take care of mailing or e-serving the parties.
Once you have completed these steps please send a PDF copy, with your signature, to my paralegal AND send the hard copy via Federal Express. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions.
PLEASE SEND THE PDF AND FEDEX RIGHT AWAY SO THAT WE RECEIVE IT PRIOR TO THE HEARING.

Note the uppercase text– in case I wasn’t paying attention? The “crisis management” could have been avoided if the lawyer had considered these estimates a month ago. But $75 and three hours later, the forms were ready for Thursday’s Hawaii flight to Colorado. They arrived at the lawyer’s office Monday morning. She later apologized for adding the stress.

The hearing was Monday afternoon. At first it was scheduled for 2:30 PM, then the week before it was changed to 2 PM. At first it was in one room (with one teleconference number), and then it changed again (with a different number). 90 minutes before the hearing they changed it yet again. I’d been trying all the phone numbers but apparently the lines weren’t actually connected to phones. When I dialed in to the latest number at 2 PM the clerk finally answered, and I had to explain where to find the rest of ohana Nords & lawyers. I was on hold for 25 minutes before we got to listen to the 10 minutes of the judge reading the appointment order. Over the phone I heard my father respond to a couple of questions (“Yes, your honor”), and I don’t think my brother had to say anything at all. The judge commented to my Dad that he was fortunate to have a son who was actually qualified to make a plan for this situation.

The court’s appointment order and my conservator’s letter arrived eight days later via FedEx. My report is due to the court in three months. Due to the negligence of other guardians & conservators, our appointments are only good for 30 days past the annual filing deadlines. No report, no new appointment letter.

From March-November we accrued $6834 in legal fees. (This includes just over 21 hours of the lawyer’s time, spread out over nearly nine months.) December’s work was probably another $3500 (I don’t have an invoice yet). The psychologist was $3670, half due in advance and the rest upon receiving his report. To the lawyer’s credit, we’ve only been asked to pay $1842 of her fees with the rest due upon final billing.

~$14K in legal & medical fees– all because we didn’t have a POA ready for the inevitable.

As you can imagine, we’re a bit out-of-pocket for expenses. If you’re caring for an elder, then you should have an emergency fund in case it takes a while to reimburse your expenses.

Back in April, Dad’s small-town bank manager noticed I’d written out the checks that Dad signed for his apartment rent & utilities. She suggested that a POA would be a good idea. She didn’t actually freeze his accounts, but it was clear that my help was only welcome with one. Dad’s checking account receives his pension payments & Social Security (via electronic direct deposit), and I’m reluctant to mess with that. Eight months later, you would think that Dad’s bank manager would read the probate court order and give me access to his accounts. That’s only technically correct.

When I e-mailed her the court order, she didn’t just divulge his account login & password. Instead I’m being asked to apply for access to his account: scans of my photo ID, a personal info form, a signature card. (Never mind that the court already did this.) Banks don’t do this online– snail mail only– and I bet I have to get something notarized, too. Only then will I be “given” my own online access to his checking & savings accounts. Ironically I’m planning to triple the amount of money that Dad has on deposit with the bank because they have a decent CD rate. I can only imagine how I’d be treated if I’d announced that I was moving his business to PenFed.

After my experience with Dad’s bank manager, I am not motivated to notify Dad’s brokerage of my conservatorship. I plan to close all of his other mutual fund accounts, and I don’t really want to discuss conservatorship with the other fund companies, either. Dad’s brokerage will handle the transaction for a “transfer in kind” of his assets from the fund company. I certainly don’t see a reason to tell anyone else in Dad’s financial life unless they specifically ask me.

I wonder whether most families use POAs, let alone conservatorship. When Mom or Dad can no longer take care of things, they could turn over the logins/passwords to a trusted adult child who could handle their finances. You can do it all online if you know the answers to the verification questions. Presumably you have the parent’s consent to act as their fiduciary, but that probably still violates some sort of fraud law. It’s legal if the adult child is a joint owner of the parent’s financial accounts, but that leaves the elder’s assets vulnerable to litigation if anyone sues against the adult child’s assets. It also leaves the adult child open to sibling disputes.

Once I get Dad’s finances in order then there’s not much to the routine. His only monthly bills are to the care facility and the pharmacy. I deposit a monthly long term care insurance payout, which will continue until late 2014. An occasional payment to my brother for Dad’s restaurant meals & shopping trips. Annual renewal of his Medicare supplemental insurance policy. Annual tax returns & quarterly estimated tax payments. Annual report to the probate court.

Over the next couple years I’ll move Dad’s asset allocation from 70%-20%-10% stocks-bonds-cash to something more like 25%-25%-50%. I can do most of it under the long-term capital gains tax rate of 0%. Of course if the stock market gets stupid high then I’ll start cashing out and paying more taxes. Dad doesn’t need to stay in equities.

Dad’s still happy and doing fine. He just had his third chemotherapy session, with three to go. So far so good. He’s tolerated everything surprisingly well, he’s up & walking around again, and he’s no longer complaining of pain from the multiple myeloma symptoms. He came back from the second chemotherapy session with no nausea and was even hungry for dinner. This month’s pharmacy bill reads like a drug dealer’s arrest report, with four new medications for nausea & pain. The care facility says that they’re all “as necessary”, and Dad tends to ignore painkillers. Hopefully the medication won’t cause any problems with his balance or coordination or any other side effects, but he had no problems at the court hearing.

I’m glad this is finally settling down, and I hope it’s my last post on the subject for a while. I’m looking forward to a much quieter 2012.

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Posted in Military Life & Family | 10 Comments

Should You Join The Reserves or National Guard?

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Doug Nordman

Fair warning: this is a long post, even by my standards. Hey, it’s Thursday, it’s a holiday weekend, and (for a change) it’s not financial. There’s not even any math.

But let’s get to the post. Ironically for being one of my personal writing milestones, most of this one is written by other people!

A couple months ago a Navy Reserve recruiter asked a seemingly straightforward LinkedIn question, which I’ve edited slightly for acronym jargon:

Why are the majority of separating servicemembers not signing directly with the Navy Reserve? The commitment is minimal as one can always elect to be inactive. The contracts are extremely flexible and you are serving with some awesome volunteers. The USNR … may help calm concerns of deployment by writing into contract a mobilization protection for up to two years. There is even a $10K affiliation bonus for many specialties.

Over 60 replies have been posted, with sharply divided opinions. However, the perspectives surprised even me, and I thought I’d share some of the quotes with you. I was especially impressed to see the positive press for the Army National Guard. If you want to have some military in your civilian life, then the Guard may be a better choice.

It turns out that a lot of veterans want to serve their country for “a weekend a month, two weeks a year”. That’s the Cold War model I knew, and two generations of veterans did very well by it. However, the last decade has been completely different, and fewer are willing to risk having their “part time” military career overwhelm their civilian lives. The biggest obstacle to a Reserve/Guard career may be the prospect of a year’s deployment.

On the other hand, the civilian employment model has changed too. Nobody expects to stay with the same employer for decades anymore. Reserve/Guard may be a valuable backup career… a sort of “side hustle” that builds on your active duty and eventually pays a retirement and other benefits. That may be worth the deployment hassle.

If you’re considering separating from active duty, then educate yourself now. Active-duty servicemembers just don’t hear much about the Reserves– and when you’re separating you’re not exactly interested in learning more.

Let’s share some of those Reservist’s responses. (I’ve edited them slightly for clarity.) The quotes below are mainly about Navy Reserve and Army National Guard, but the other services have the same concerns. If you have comments about the other service’s Reserve or Guard careers then I’d love to share them in another post.

First up are two pieces of advice on juggling it all:

[The admiral] mentioned this weekend that you know that your life is properly balanced when your family, your job, and the Reserves are all equally pissed at you.

I’ve had a blast in the Reserves. … I’ve had the opportunity to go to Malta to fix a ship, bust drug smugglers off the Panama coast, earn a warfare qualification, serve on the Joint Staff, and sail (yes “sail”) on USS CONSTITUTION. I’ve been able to earn a master’s degree through the Naval War College and a second through National Defense University. My current job is due to my Navy experience.

There are ways to work things. You can travel on a Sat, do [six straight days] of drills and fly back the next Sun. There are flex-drills where you can apply your skills from home or a local site. If you’re just getting out and you haven’t tried the Reserve, give it a shot. The most important thing is that while you will run into folks who are incredibly hard, you will also find some of the salt of the earth. People who understand the commitment that’s made by putting on the cloth of the nation and making the sacrifice for their country one more day.

If you need help making it work, there are plenty of us who are willing to work through options with you.

Others are tired of the bureaucracy:

Life is all about choices. I love being in the Reserves. Not 100% of the time, but guessing around 95% And that 5% wasn’t when I was deployed… it was wrestling the Admin BS INCONUS that we are forced to put up with. Antiquated systems, antiquated policies and antiquated structure that are still focused on the “weekend a month, two weeks a year” Reserves. News flash: 9/11 changed all of that. We need to be more nimble and relevant, not just a warm body so that active duty can go on leave.

Lots of bureaucracy (and lots of acronyms):

I’ve been a Reservist for 12 years now. Each year gets harder because someone adds something to make it harder (FLTMPS, NMCI, NKO, Navy Reserve On-line, BUPERS, NSIPS, NFAAS, DTS, blah blah). Way too much INCONUS Admin BS. I’ve served as the training officer for two years in one unit and currently serve as admin officer for another unit. I track my hours worked that month vs. pay (O4) to execute a drill weekend– the ratio equates to minimum wage. Executing those two weeks a year is painful too – Navy policy and fiscal rules always clash. The time and effort for pre-annual training (NROWS, misc. admin de-confliction), annual training (the mission), and post-annual training (DTS, misc. admin) equates to minimum wage. The only silver lining is that minimum wage is not so bad when you get to work from the comfort of your home.

The commitment is significant. What this all boils down to is your value system. Is earning minimum wage in your younger years + pension @ age 60 + Reserve Tricare worth serving the needs of the nation with my experience I’ve gained over the years? For me it’s worth putting up with the INCONUS Admin BS. The downside is the risk of failing to reach 20 years of service. Getting older and wiser has pains – performance at PRT, older parents, children, spouse (supportive now or adverse later?), promotions at the civilian job with more responsibility along the way – these are my risk items working against my goal to 20 years. The only thing that keeps me going in the reserves is my ORM matrix I learned from the Navy to mitigate failure which in turn keeps my value system … valid.

Injuries and the VA:

It’s just not worth it. I wouldn’t recommend it due to being deployed at the tip of the spear. I was injured while deployed to Afghanistan. Dealing with the VA while being a relatively young professional working person isn’t working out. My medical appointments and rehab sessions are in the middle of the day and always result in losing at least a half day of work. The reality of a Reservist bringing back lifelong physical and mental scars and the damage done to one’s personal life during a year long deployment just isn’t worth the drill pay. I think a Reservist should really consider their personal situation with the possibility of deployment.

Navy Reserve spent the last couple decades consolidating their drilling sites, and two say that’s a problem if you’re not near a homeport:

Having just made the drive in bad weather, but not snowing. … driving 400 miles round trip in Wyoming, in winter, to drill, not happening.

If the Navy had a more “decentralized” reserve like the Army National Guard… it might help. Try finding a city of more than 20,000 people without some sort of ANG unit. Heck, even towns of 10,000 or smaller often have them.
Now, try finding a Navy Reserve unit in the same town. I’m in the middle of nowhere. There are five Army Guard units within 100 miles. The closest Navy units are more than 200 miles away.

[The] two-year deferment from mobilization… allows you to get ‘settled’ in your civilian life/career… and get a real feel for what the Reserve has to offer. There are ~125 drill sites across the country. I understand that many folks do not live in/near fleet concentration areas, but we are not the size of the National Guard (roughly 5-6 times larger than the Reserve). The Guard’s mission is the State and having a drill center on every corner makes sense.

Finally, I will offer that one of the best ‘intangible’ benefits of the Reserve is the opportunity to network. Your new unit may consist of educators, project managers, financial planners, HR managers, and company vice-presidents. Being a unit superstar and building a reputation as a solid performer will go a long way when/if you are looking for future opportunities (both within the Reserve and out). It’s never an easy decision when you are trying to plan out the next 15 years, but if you do decide to close the door just try to keep the keys handy.

Four point out that if you’re junior then the Reserves may not be much of an improvement over active duty:

Junior officers look at the reserves as more of the same. Many … had IA assignments on “shore” duty and don’t want to return there (even after a two-year break). In addition, billets are tough to come by which means long weekend commutes to drill. Also, the one weekend and two weeks a year are no longer applicable. Many billets call for up to three months to meet operational needs. Combine all this with a job market where an employer demands connectivity and many more hours than 40 per week. Bottom line, the active Navy is using the Reserves to gap billets and meet needs that they cannot meet with active duty personnel. With looming budget cuts for the Navy, this trend will continue.

1. The majority of separating servicemembers [want] to focus on a new career and word is out that Reserves is very demanding which equates to inability to focus on next career… If they wanted a Navy career they would have stayed in.

2. Promotion rates to senior ranks are abysmal while demands are increasing… Disproportionate investment to payoff.

3. Recalls and more recalls… servicemembers saw Reservists filling the ranks in theater big time and see very little reward for disruption of mobilization.

4. Military benefits are in drawdown crosshairs … adding further doubt on effort/benefit ratio.

As a junior officer leaving active duty I have seriously considered the Reserve to finish a career. I have done a tour to Afghanistan and would go back; just not yet. Although there is a two-year deferment option, my civilian career could be ruined.

I would expect in the next seven years to probably do two years of deployment time. Not bad when you consider that would put me past 20 good years. The problem is flexibility in the civilian job market. While all employers will honor the laws protecting my job, I cannot keep up my civilian qualifications and training while deployed.

I would say some jobs I am looking at would fit well with the Reserve if I can find a billet close enough to home. These would be jobs I am qualified to do now but where I am not a key player in a company. I want to take on a job that requires serious devotion to support the company as a key individual which means a deployment can seriously hurt what I bring to that employer.

Other jobs I am looking at require some serious dedication to get qualified and then maintain those qualifications. Going on a deployment and neglecting maintenance of qualifications would kill my civilian job. In my case I can’t see having my cake and eating it too. If I get the civilian career I want then Reserve is out. If I end up in mainstream corporate America where I am not special and can leave and come back to a job after deployments then the Reserve may be a good fit. I have loved serving but expect that my service, performance and commitment should lead to a retirement.

I wouldn’t recommend joining the Reserve after 4-5 years of active duty. The amount of time spent on weekends, let alone weeknights doing Reserve “stuff”, isn’t worth it for 15-16 years to get a retirement.

Sure, I joined the Reserve because I had about 10 years active time and I didn’t want to throw that away. But after a couple years when my Reserve billet started conflicting with my civ job, and my studying for my MBA, I found that I lost a lot of quality time with family and friends. As a result, I wouldn’t recommend someone joining the Reserve when they’ve only reached ~¼ of the way to retirement.

Four more say that work/life balance is an issue but diversification may be worth the effort:

It is difficult to serve two masters. My Reserve friends make me very aware of the challenges with being successful in the corporate and the military realms at the same time. With that said, it can be done.

The successful individuals look closely at billet selection to include the location and the time associated with that particular billet. At the same time the successful individual is upfront with the civilian leadership as to the requirements associated with serving the nation. They are also able to, where possible, educate their bosses of the benefits to the company linked with their Reserve service. It may be sales leads, software expertise, certifications, licenses, the works, but the successful Reserve does seem to have a link between what he/she does in the civilian side and the military service.

I would like to add that a servicemember separating after 10-12 years will be well served to join the Reserve team and benefit from the retirement which will materialize with another eight years. Think of it not in terms of years but in terms of possibly one deployment (which may be deferred), one weekend a month and two weeks a year.

Even if promotion does not come their way, the financial benefits associated with the Reserve service is not easy to push aside given today’s economic environment. In addition, by diversifying the sources of income, the possibility of the civilian job being lost, will allow for Reserve work to take up the slack … while adding to that retirement benefit. It all starts with the right selection of a billet which allows for the family, civilian, and military career balance.

Why servicemembers don’t affiliate may be due to the reputation that the Reserve has developed. After 24 years of active and Reserve time I have been Inactive Ready Reserve for the last 12 months and the difference is palpable. I no longer get datacall e-mails, mid-day phone calls, pay problems, and a long (300+ mile one-way) drive every month.

Fridays mean “liberty weekends” again. If you are senior, Reserve means you will likely be in a unit management position or two, such as training, admin, awards, XO/CO, etc…which takes more time than the 16 drill hours on the weekend. While I certainly miss the mission, the people, the camaraderie and the “real” work, continuing on didn’t make sense. There were too many Fridays and Sunday evenings where I drove while very tired, wired up on caffeine and doing calisthenics or napping at rest stops to make it. My recommendation: more drill sites, more flexibility, less admin load, and fewer hassles.

I spent 21 years Reserve, around nine active (two recalls) and had five Reserve commands. The fundamental issue is being treated on an equal basis: pay, rotation, careers. When I was mobilized after 9/11 (and I know some things have improved since I retired in 2007) we were seen as bodies to plug holes that others did not want to plug while simultaneously not being compensated the same (active duty retirement, BAH, Tricare, etc.). Sometimes it was seen as a way to get an O-5 in an O-4 job to present more seniority, sometimes as a way to get more help for insatiable demands from flag officers to always be perceived as “leaning forward.”

I left the Navy a year ago after seven years of active duty. I was so against the sandbox and having several let downs in my Navy career– due to being just a number– that I did not want to join ANY Reserves. Had I gotten my head on straight, and in hindsight, had I joined the Reserve right off the bat– I could have had a great part time job– since it has been a year and I am still unemployed.

With the way the economy is now, I think recruiters really need to talk to folks who are coming out. The Reserves could be a life saver, a great part-time job and a way to network and keep getting a paycheck. And yes, now I have passed the six-month mark, so if I sign with the Reserves I am only free from the sandbox for only a year. Thanks to the lack of planning and maybe had the recruiter given a better spin to us coming out of TAP– things may have been different. I have seen career Reservists (those with no civilian jobs) and I have seen some of the disrespect from the active duty towards them, mostly because some of them are just so relaxed and even forget how to wear the uniform. Others are just gung go and are truly there to help because they love the Navy and the service. It’s what you make of it and how much time you put into it.

This final post breaks it all down:

First, you get to do some pretty cool Navy stuff without the long-term headache and pressure of doing it as your full-time job. Some of the most interesting jobs belong to the Reserve. The military becomes, in many ways, your hobby. And, it’s a hobby where you can get paid.

Second (speaking of pay) you get double time for drill weekends and two extra weeks of pay per year if your employer allows you to either take paid vacation or pays you anyway.

Third, the law is behind you. USERRA ensures that your deployments don’t screw up your job…sort of. You may still have to fight for your rights and it may put you in an uncomfortable situation at your civilian job.Fourth, you still get the camaraderie and fulfillment of being part of the Navy. You meet fantastic people with amazing skills. Don’t be surprised to see an O-5 NYC beat cop or an E-4 CFO. The Reserve is a ready made network.

Fifth, if you live in NY… the New York Naval Militia!

Reasons to be a little skeptical about joining–

1.) Time commitment. To be successful, it’s a half time job. Expect 20 hours per week if you are in a leadership position and want to break out. Yes, you work for free sometimes.

2.) You will deploy at some point. Probably multiple times. If you are self-employed or a small business owner with few employees, you may have to shut down and send your clients elsewhere. I don’t recommend joining the Reserves until your business is very well established or if you are in any kind of private practice where you need to maintain client relationships.

3.) Although we try hard, the bureaucracy of the Reserve makes the Soviet Union look like a model of efficiency.

So how do you make your own decision?

Learn about the Reserve/Guard while you’re still on active duty. Talk to those you serve with, read the websites, call the local recruiting officer, and visit the local Reserve/Guard center.
Civilian/Reserve balance is hard. Be ready to make compromises, interrupt a civilian career, or go inactive.
The longer you’re on active duty, the easier it is to reach a Reserve retirement.
Nobody is assured of just one job and just one retirement. The Reserves/Guard diversify your career choices and your income.

One last piece of advice: if you’re part of a dual military couple then it’s typical for one of your careers to lead the other spouse’s career. At least one of you may choose the Reserve/Guard before you reach 20 years of service. You may even need to go inactive if you want to support family or the other spouse’s billet. It’s a work/life choice that comes up with every new set of orders. Hundreds of dual-military couples have made it work, and you can too.

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Posted in Career | 4 Comments

Book review: “A Bittersweet Season”

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Doug Nordman

Jane Gross’ mother died in 2003 after several years of declining health. Jane and her brother spent those years moving Mom from Florida back to New York, settling her in one assisted living facility and then moving her to another, working through a number of medical problems, and finally helping their mother decide when she was ready to die.

Five years later, Ms. Gross retraced her steps through that experience. She and her brother wrote about those days from their own perspectives and feelings, and then compared notes. She tracked down the people they’d worked with during those years and those who’d known her mother. She interviewed doctors, nurses, aides, geriatric care managers, Medicare specialists, state Medicaid staff, and lawyers.

She wrote over 300 pages: as a researcher, a loving adult child, a participant, an observer, and a teacher. She realizes that she’s growing older too, and she writes about how the elder-care bureaucracy evolved during just those few years. It’s a memoir about life with her mother through the difficult final years. But it’s also a manual about navigating the healthcare system while you’re trying to take care of your parents, your family, yourself, and your career.

Ms. Gross spends about a third of the book on the deeper issues that their family confronted during those years: their mother’s quirky parenting, four decades of sibling rivalry, her mother’s anger at her body’s breakdown and the loss of elder dignity, the caregiver roles that Jane and her brother fell into (almost from temperament rather than thought), and her own personal growth as she juggled career and care.

She uses another third of the book describing the situations that other families and her friends are dealing with. Some of her mother’s nurses and aides spent eight hours a day on their job and then another 8-10 hours caring for their own parent(s). Other families coped with Alzheimer’s, cardiac decline, severe strokes, or broken hips. Care managers and geriatric doctors confronted their own burnout. Researchers and administrators talked about demographics, legal pitfalls, the Medicaid bureaucracy, and the body’s physical aging processes.

Finally she explains what she’s learned about the system, both firsthand and later through research. She describes the status quo and what’s going to change as the Boomers finish their lives. She lays out the studies and their statistics. She tells us what we need to watch out for, what she wishes she’d done differently, and what other unpleasant surprises lurk around the corners. This is the most valuable part of the book: it’s packed with advice on walking through the minefields, and the back pages are filled with support associations and websites. I took notes and added bookmarks.

Parts of the book are difficult to endure because, frankly, Ms. Gross comes across as a drama queen who rushed into situations without educating herself. It took me most of the book to appreciate that she’s making a point: when it’s your parent then you may react that way too. You may be too overwhelmed with your own family and career challenges to lovingly respond to a parent’s 10 phone calls a day. You may be too crazed to step back and thoroughly research all the options and the unexpected consequences of every decision. Events may move too quickly for you to have time to handle your own emotional turmoil. You may be too tired and burned out to handle an uncaring bureaucrat or an inattentive care provider or to cope with your parent’s tantrum.

She helped me understand how some things happen. Mom didn’t just “have a fall”. Her bladder doesn’t send reliable signals, and her body’s proprioceptors no longer help her brain’s coordination place her feet just right. Her blood pressure drops rapidly if she stands up too quickly and she has medication interactions that cause vertigo. So when she suddenly realizes she has to use the bathroom, she’s too rushed to be able to take the time to slowly stand up and begin cautiously moving. There’s no time and she won’t make it, let alone show that she can still live independently! Then her body fails her and she falls. Her arthritis keeps her from twisting to roll over and sit up. The pain is unbelievable. She’s embarrassed by her “clumsiness” and her incontinence, and then she’s worried that she’ll die and be found in this position by her children.

Other stories are eye-opening warnings about the way our society interacts. Elders in the care homes ostracized each other if they couldn’t walk or swallow, or if arthritis made it impossible to neatly eat their food. Residents fiercely competed for resources or status: whether it was finding an aide with the time to change an adult diaper during a busy part of the morning, or having a manual wheelchair needing to be pushed everywhere, or buying a cool mobility scooter with a joystick control. Depression had so many causes (changing brain chemistry and medication interactions, let alone the loss of bodily function) that took months to figure out and treat.

Read the book. We need to understand what our grandparents and parents are going through, let alone how to help them. We need to learn how to take better care of ourselves, not just each other.

“A Bittersweet Season” should be appearing in local libraries by now, especially through inter-library loans. Jane Gross has also written dozens of posts over the years for the NYT’s multi-author blog “New Old Age”.

On a personal note, the probate court has approved my father’s petitions for guardianship & conservatorship. After nine months, $10K in legal fees, and a bureaucracy designed by The Three Stooges, we can finally start handling Dad’s finances. It didn’t go smoothly but it’s over and we can refocus on Dad’s care. Dad’s finished three chemotherapy sessions for his multiple myeloma treatment and he’s handling everything well. On the other hand we’re starting to see some of the issues that Jane Gross warns us about, and I have to figure out how to discuss them with my brother without both of us getting upset.

Managing Dad’s finances will be the “easy” part, and even with a full-care facility I’m sure my brother’s feeling burnout. I’ll write up a separate lessons-learned post.

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Posted in Reviews | 2 Comments

Military Financial Independence

Book review: You’re On Your Own